“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17
I’d like to say that after returning “home” as the prodigal child life got easier, but that would be lying. It began to get a little more difficult. But that’s okay. I had Someone now who was holding my hand and walking me thru life itself. But I also just ticked off the enemy and he was out to make my life difficult.
So I began to go back to church on a regular basis and began to get involved. God put me to work. I felt I had purpose now and belonged to something. I was a drummer in the past so a friend asked me to join the Praise and Worship team. I also helped teach a Bible study class. I think I learned more than anyone in that class. I figured since I was now living this lifestyle I needed to clean up my act. From what I had been taught as a child that was wrong, I tried to break these habits. I had a lot of learning to do. I have very little willpower and am not so great at breaking bad habits. It took me a little while, but being exposed to God’s word and being in a community of other believers, I realized I can’t do this on my own. I had to give it up to God.
One of the first things I knew I had to give up was…..drinking. I loved to drink…a lot!!! But I was taught growing up it was wrong. So I would abstain for awhile and then go right back at it. I did this a handful of times and then the light bulb came on…..We got a problem!!!! I could not seem to shake this one. I couldn’t let it go. Unfortunately, I was married to someone who loved to drink also.
The enemy ran with this one!!! At times he was telling me I was not a Christian because I couldn’t quit drinking. Then on the other hand, he would justify it for me. “Well, other Christians drink…..why can’t I?” Talk about confusion. And he’s the author of confusion!!!
In the midst of all of this, my husband became very jealous of my “new found faith”. He would find ways to argue about if God even existed. This began to cause a lot of tension in our marriage.
I remained faithful and stayed involved in church. But I had a “secret sin”. I wore a mask most of time. I still continued my lifestyle of drunkenness and God continued to convict my soul. I prayed and prayed for God to take it from me. I then learned I had to “give it to Him”. Unfortunately, I would give it to Him and then take it back. What a vicious cycle it was. I made many stupid choices while under the influence.
My husband and I began to drift apart. I was trying to hold us together. I was very conflicted. What do I do? The more stressed I got, the more I would drink.
Then one day while I was at work my husband called me at work. He needed me to come home. I could tell he was very upset and he needed to talk to me. So I rush home and sit down to the storm that was about to wreck my life…….
And there it was, my worst nightmare. The confession of an affair. Not just physical, but an emotional affair he had been having with a high school girlfriend (thanks Facebook). My first feeling was I don’t want to even live. My life has just completely changed in one minute. The loneliness, betrayal, rejection, pain, etc. What have I been doing wrong that he would seek another woman? Floods of emotions came over me. I was devastated!!!
Over the next 5-6 years we went through counseling for both of us. He had the characteristics of an addict and I was co-dependent. I constantly prayed for God to heal my marriage. I believe God can do that. He does it all the time. He is the Great Physician, the Creator of the Universe. He can do anything, right? YES!!!! If it’s in His will. I mean it was the Grace of God that I was even able to forgive him for what he did to me. The thing is, you have to want healing and you have to be open and obedient to God and His will for your life. I was doing that. But my husband was not. He actually sought out God and wanted rid of this “cancer” in his life. But he wanted instant results. Like God was his magic genie and his problems would magically disappear. You and I know it doesn’t work that way. So he turned his back on God.
Still I prayed and prayed for God to heal us, soften our hearts, take the chains of alcohol that is wrecking us away. Please God, help us!!!!
I remember the pain, the kick in my gut when he said……….”I think we need to get a divorce”. WHAT??? He tells me he cannot be faithful like he wants to be and that I deserve better. I felt like I had just been kicked down the bottom of a well. So dark and cold!!! I was going to be alone and on my own. The man that was supposed to love me for the rest of my life was done with me! The grief was overwhelming!!!!
“GOD, WHERE ARE YOU??” I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HEAL MY MARRIAGE? WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING??? Oh the pain. And what do I do when I have pain………………I wanna be Comfortably Numb!!!!! Yes, the drinking got worse. It was a problem!! I couldn’t quit before, but now I went down a darker road. I cried everyday for awhile and when I wasn’t working, I was drinking. We decided to finish out the summer plans we had and didn’t tell anyone for awhile. For about 2 months I lived like a zombie. Going through the motions the best I could. My life was about to change in a big way!!!
God was there the whole time. He began to show me He does have a plan. You see, we have to be open for God’s healing. Well I was, but my husband was not. And God will never force himself on anyone. So, as any Father would do for His child, he took me out of this toxic relationship. Now, I don’t believe it is God’s will for anyone to divorce. He wants us to have loving relationships that honor Him. But mine was very toxic!!! God was going to take my Mess and make a Message out of it!!! The months ahead were going to be difficult, but He promised to be right there with me.
Since the age of 15 I started drinking and at the age of 49 God broke those chains of alcohol for good!!!! It was in the midst of my divorce when I had to give it all up and put complete trust in Him that I was delivered!!! On September 4, 2017 was my first day sober and I have been sober since for almost 16 months. Now, let me say it has not been easy. I have to surrender to Him all the time!!! I have accountability and am in constant contact with Him. I stay away from anything that could be a possible trigger. But God ALWAYS provides a way out!!! I mean ALWAYS!!!! I just have to take it!
God is now revealing His plan for my life day by day and it is the most rewarding life I’ve ever lived!!!!
More to come…….